vogelsblogger: July 2008

Friday, July 25, 2008

What's all the buzz about?

I dropped 71.00 dollars on 1 tank of gas the other day but I know that griping about gas prices is a pretty cliched and irritating thing to do so I won't. Besides, why complain? I have a company car and ULGT pays for all the gas it can drink. See, it's sort of like free Big Gulps only my 4Runner is the kid who always has to go the bathroom now. Rubbing it in aside;

I was riding my bike the other day and realized that this time I was going to die from heat exhaustion. Not just end up in the hospital again -writhing in pain, blood coming from my nose, in and out of consciousness, unable to control my limbs and laying in a cramping fetal heap with my best friends and their wives looking at me with only my cycling unitard on (and yes, the unitard bit was the worst part. Another reason why cycling is gay and mountain biking is cool)

Anyway, my usual is long hair in the summer and short hair in the winter but because Utah is soooo Freaking HOT I'm pulling the reciprocal this year. I'm cutting it in July now and growing it out in winter. Sometimes making a drastic change in the cycle of life turns out to be just the sort of decision that you immediately regret. Like eating at Carl’s Jr. But this has been all ups so far. There was however this one other time when getting a haircut was all downs;

I was getting a standard haircut by Deb at Great Clips, early fall '02. Deb was the lady with long finger nails who smacked her gum a lot. And she called me ‘hun’. So Deb is doing the ‘comb-the-hair-up-and-buzz-the-top-of-the-comb-with-the-clippers’ technique that seems to be popular among the Dallas Roberts grads. And, I guess she was distracted that day because she accidentally buzzed below the comb. Deb drops the clippers, bursts into tears and says “I just can’t do anything right.” Then plopped down in the chair beside me and sobbed. Deb was having a bad day.

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Like most men, I have been trained over a lifetime to immediately concede any opinion or grievance the second a woman starts crying. Instead you say whatever you can to put out the fire. “No no! It looks fine. It’s cool, I wanted to go with a flat top anyway. Don’t worry about it! Yeah, I’ve always wanted a flat top.” So I ended up with an accidental flat top. I like to think I looked like Dolph Lundgren. But I suspect I looked more like Greg Ostertag.

An open letter: Because I Care

Dear Utah Valley Moms,

UNLESS...
you are clandestinely (wait, I don't know what you mean?) planning to act as a sniper for a communist insurrection (insurrection?) OR you have invented a time machine and transported me back to high-school, those bejeweled, faux-Che military hats make you look like you just can't give up your senior year (Seniors!? Best year eva!!).

Regards,

Someone Had to Say It

R.I.P. Sophia Petrillo

Estelle Getty died, earlier this week which is pretty amazing since she's been 92 years old since 1989.

Sophia, I would like to speak directly to you now. You are free. No longer will you need to fear being sent to Shady Pines Retirement Center by your 6'5'' daughter. Nor will you have to listen any longer to her old bag friends as they complain about their love lives -BTW: they were in their 60's and should have given up on dating centuries earlier. Oh, and that Alzheimer's you got in that one episode will no longer afflict you (although it stopped afflicting you the next week). You are free to carry the biggest, most jewel encrusted purse with you to heaven, eat all the cheesecake you want and yes, you will be reunited with your husband whose name I can't remember but Dorothy always called him 'Pop'. In short; If you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see a gift card from me and it would say, 'thank you for being a friend.'

So I love The Golden Girls... Growing up, my friend's mom would always watch it on Saturday while we played on the carpet with Lego's and Construx. For being a show about a bunch of old ladies, it was pretty dirty, especially to my 10 year old ears. My friend's mom would laugh hysterically then realize the impressionable minds of her children and their friends were present and say 'that's just filthy.' She never changed the channel though... sorry to rat you out Mrs. Morris.

Note: I just read the article I linked earlier. Apparently she really did suffer from dementia, which makes my Alzheimer's reference seem a bit crass. And yet... I leave it in.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Today's 'Month In Review' is brought to you by Ketchup.

get it? ketchup... nevermind.

I already told you about Seattle - awesome as usual.

But I didn't tell you about the MONSTER TRUCK SHOW! only it was SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY!

Went to Moab: camped at Gold Bar

sat by the fire

climbed Wallstreet

Biked Porquepine

Then went to St. George

and Sand Hollow

Ashlee trained hard for Little Red Riding Hood

even practiced her Lance Armstrong's look-over-the-shoulder-glare-at-Jan Ullrich for intimidation factors

She dominated! 82 miles and it's only her 2nd year riding. I'm creating a monster.

Strawberry Day's Rodeo with Wendy

intermission included flying motorcycles

and guess who caught the goggles after he tossed 'em into the crowd... she's such a groopie.

We hiked through the tunnell of fish during spawning season -literally thousands of fish to wade through and catch -but I can't tell you where. Too many feet tramples too many eggs.

Rode the Sundance lift in the moonlight... good thing I didn't know it was just so easy to get Ashlee in the mood when we were dating -that would have been trouble.

Jackson Hole and Snake River

I caught Ashlee smiling before suffering through a lesson on "Kelly wait. What are you teaching us how to do?" she asks. The answer... "Survive!" -and yes, that's the actual answer- before paddling the Snake.

Smores are the coolest thing ever invented and I do mean EVER.

Next to Max that is. And I have to say that as Max's inventor I think I deserve a round of applause because he's one awesome dude.

Found a nice trail next to our house

with a good view

which makes for good smiles

and a good marriage.

And in news of "Really?! I Mean Seriously Really?! Do We Really Want To Go There?!

Have you heard that a Federal appeals court has ruled that paper money is unfair to the blind?

First of all, have you heard of Erik Weihenmayer? Um yah. He's blind and still managed to climb the "Seven Summits" -the tallest peak on every continent (which includes Everest)-, not to mention scaled the 3000 foot rock face of El Capitan. He's also skied down the tallest peak in Europe and GUIDED Tibetan blind teenagers to 21,500 feet on the north side of Mt. Everest. And I recall that while reading his book, which largely focused on not dying at 20,000+ feet by falling into a crevasse or off a cliff that he didn't give much thought to paper money. Oh wait, there was this one half of a sentence which mentions that he learned to fold dollar bills differently, each according to it's corresponding denomination.

Second: Who still uses cash? I mean besides Over The Counter Cafe on 33rd which pisses me off because I always and I mean ALWAYS have to leave Ashlee sitting at the table after hashbrowns and pancakes while I run to the ATM at the gas station across the street.

Third: if this means I have to have money like those metro-Europeans (no offense mum) -you know the kind where the money gets bigger and bigger and eventually you're carrying around a bill the size of a Sunday newspaper- I'm moving back to Bolivia where no-one has money anyway so it doesn't matter.

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[LINK TO ARTICLE THAT IS ALSO UNFAIR TO BLIND PEOPLE AS IT IS ON A COMPUTER]

Question...

What's cooler than catching a summer ballgame at Safeco Field where the Emerald City serves as a backdrop?

Catching said ballgame with your wife and kid? Close. But no.

How about catching said ballgame with your wife and kid AND getting free Mariner ball-caps because you're Mormon! AWESOME.

No wait. Let me go back. How about catching said ballgame with your wife and kid AND getting free Mariner ball-caps because you're Mormon AND AND AND listening to this kid armpit fart the "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" song. TOTALLY AWESOME.