This is dedicated to all the single people out there who just endured yet another Thanksgiving meal surrounded by way too many family members who asked "why aren't you married yet?". (and the thing is they ask it like you know what the single reason is... like you've just got one last item to mark off your list of to-do's before the gorgeous, opposite-gendered, perfect match out of nowhere walks up to you and says they want to spend the rest of their life with you)
-I feel for these people and I feel for them because I used to be one of them. I got married when I was 28 and that amounts to like 7 Thanksgivings (10 minimum if you're a girl living in Utah!) that I went through having to listen to this garbage. Some would pat a warm hand on my back and with a jovial smile say, "So Dave, when are we putting another plate on the table for Mrs. David Vogelsberg?". Others would pull me aside and really sincerely inquire about the last girl I introduced them to and say, "Whatever happened to [Karen / Mary / Shantil / Kami / Andrea / Rachel / Megan / Marianne / Megan / Rachel / Amber / Kate / Amber / Kristin or whoever else it was that they liked the best... look man, I'm not proud of introducing 22 girls to my family and I'll admit that it was a mistake so give it a rest already!)
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As a favor to my old comrades who are looking for ways to explain why they are not married, I'm rendering a huge service here free of charge to everyone out there who is single (and most likely enjoying it by-the-way) and heading home for Christmas. They know they are about to enter another round of "why aren't you married yet?" and probably need some help deflecting the hot-seat back to the inquisitor. So feel free to borrow any of my responses below to let that person know exactly why it is that you're not married yet;
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1. Because I just love hearing this question.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. I'm going to ask you the same thing when you're divorced.
4. Just lucky I guess.
5. It gives my grandmother something to live for.
6. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon!?
9. I am married. We just didn't invite you to the wedding.
10. It didn't seem worth the blood test.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. I'm terminally ill and won't make it through the winter.
14. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
15. My dad still gives me $10 a week for allowance and he's cutting me off when I get married. And that's $40 a month!
16. I guess it just goes to show that those voodoo dolls don't work.
17. What? And just throw away all the money I've invested in personal ads?
18. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Child-support is already killing me!
19. Why aren't you thin?
20. Because the guy/girl I'm dating is already married and doesn't suggest it.
21. I'd have to move to Massachussets for it to be legal.
22. (Bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
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Okay okay, now that I've got my wife ticked off and my mom is going to call me and tell me to stop writing aweful stuff... the only answer I could ever give in truth was, "I hadn't met Ashlee yet". Until I met her it just didn't make any sense.
3 comments:
Wished I would've had some of these during my single years! Instead I simply blinked quickly a couple of times like a deer in headlights and probably started to drool or something :)
You make me laugh- I sure do love ya!
Mark and I hit it off real quick, so I am kind of feeling left out of the non married terms. Although we do get a lot of "Why aren't you pregnant yet?" The laundry was my favorite one. This was a great post!
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