You're no friend of mine!

So I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about stupid stuff. But this is only because I have out-thought everyone I know and I've exhausted ideas about anything of import. As such I've been forced to apply my superior intellect to things like The Lost Continent of MU and Capgras' Delusion. And I think I might be coming down with it because I just realized that I can't remember the first time I met most of my friends. This is weird because these are the people who most of my memories and experiences center around. So to remedy my memories here is a rundown just to keep myself in check. Feel free to add any memories you have.

Ashlee: Florida offshore, April 30th, 2005: The first time I saw you was walking across the deck of a cruise ship in a black bikini (trust me, if anyone else was watching you walk that deck in that black bikini they would have proposed to you too). We were on Celebrity cruise-line ship, The Century to be exact, heading for the Virgin Islands… Bahamas… Puerto Rico… St. Thomas and the likes. I didn’t think I had a chance in H-E-double hockey sticks of even talking to you, let alone getting to know you. I specifically thought to myself, “that is the hot girl on this cruise”. I was convinced you would be surrounded by every single guy on that boat so why waste my time? Turns out we were in the same group, mingling with the same friends, eating at the same dinner table. It also just so happens that we later found ourselves standing next to each other outside the dining hall looking at each other wondering what was to come. It was one of those moments when you want to tell a girl you think she’s adorable. Just stunningly beautiful. The most attractive woman you've ever laid eyes on. One of those moments when you want to brush shoulders or even bump elbows and feel the warmth and excitement of just touching someone you’re drawn to. I knew that any possible future hinged on our first conversation so it had to be something profound. But instead it went something more like those middle-school conversations where a boy has a mad crush on a girl. He wants to tell her how much he likes her. How much he thinks about her. How much he wants to be around her. So he asks her, "did you do your homework?" and she nods and he turns and puts his head on he desk and sleeps. The only difference between their conversation and ours was that we weren't in middle school and I didn't ask you if you did your homework. I was way more forward and asked you straight up, "how long have you had short hair?". Oh yah baby... game on.

Max: Davis County Hospital, December 30th, 2006: I didn’t want to tell your mom I was worried about the shape of your face and how I thought you’d never make friends if you took a cone-head like that to school. The cone would later round-out but would that black, scabby umbilical nub ever go away!? I guess you could always swim with a shirt on…

Mike: We were both renting rooms near the U from Joe, aka; "the slumlord" in 2000. Because your house was only two doors down from my house it was easy and often that you distract me from homework or other responsibilities in order to go to a movie or mountain bike, kayak, or loose to you and Scott in a tennis match BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU GUYS CONSTANTLY CHEATED! Being the “bro’s before ho’s” kind of guy that you are, you're still gathering the guys to hang out regularly while you make your wife stay home with the kids. Maybe you're not that harsh because I know you stay home with kids while Tiff plays too. I just think it's awesome that you won't let go of old friendships for the sake of making your marriage stronger. But then again, you and I both know that I am waaaaay cooler than Tiff so I don't blame you for wanting to hang out with me more than her.

Scott: Another tenant renting from "the slumlord", we met sometime after my mission and you were the guy I looked up to. You were always so carefully methodical, studiously educated, faithfully disciplined, tremendously accepting and always welcoming. You were so aware. So conscientious. So considerate. I'm not sure why but I remember everyone piling into your car on occasion and after you turned the ignition, cool music always quietly played through perfectly volumed speakers. Never loud and raucous but quiet and refined. You would become one of the best friends I have ever, ever had. We rented apartments together for years... remember listening to Chris mumble in his sleep and "ITS A DEAD GUY!?" in our back yard? It kinda sucks that getting married broke up our group and has us so scattered now that its hard to keep up on friendships that you wanted to last a lifetime.

Hans & Cami: I think the first time I met you guys was right after you looked at the condo on 21st. I wasn’t there because I couldn’t narrow 31 flavors down to ONLY TWO that Baskin Robbins allowed on my waffle cone… why have 31 flavors then? Anyway, I was worried that a roommate as cool as you (both were really) wouldn’t come along again so I headed out to your car where you were probably wondering, “is that Brandon guy for real?”. Good thing you recognized my awesomeness and agreed to move in to #5 because that is where it all began. Seems like we've been digging our cars out of very deep snow on very deserted roads ever since.

KB: Hans asked me if I wanted to “sluff Priesthood” and go listen to you talk in sacrament. I submitted and remember listening to one of the best sacrament talks I had heard in a long time. It was an education on Divine Esteem and a story about long-handled spoons. I loved it. But I guess I didn’t really meet you until we went to Bicycle Centers on 7th to pick out your “periwinkle dream”. We also had lunch at Café Rio and talked FOREVER. KB, you would impact my life for good beyond what I ever imagined. You're constantly chasing down your dreams and making things happen the way you want them to. We had so many enlightening conversations and so many laughs. Good game!

Jon: I’m pretty sure you were my Elder’s Quorum President when we played flag-football at Sugarhouse park. You were the quarterback and I was running really bad routes. After I messed up a really easy pattern, missed the catch and headed back to the huddle, you slapped me on my bare chest with the palm of your hand and left a red mark. And then you yelled something like, “Two and out Dave! Two and out!... C’mon!”. I think that was the same flag-football game that you got into a fight with the Bishop’s son and dropped the F-bomb. You were such a good example.

Kandice & Mark: Kandice, you were the quiet girl at Costco who never said a word. But then again, there were a lot of people working at Costco and I’m sure you just lost me in the crowd, even with my blue supervisor’s vest. Maybe you were just scared of me because I was a ruthless figure of unquestionable authority and regimented discipline. “You just pulled cart duty!”. I think you and Mark came over after we moved into our house. I was pulling those freaking juniper-tams from my backyard (yah, you know what it’s like… oh wait, you pansies PAID someone else to do it for you!) and you guys asked Ashlee if we wanted to watch a movie. It must have been like 7 o-clock and I said sure, completely unaware that you wanted to watch the movie "right now?". Remember? That movie sucked. It was the really lame one about Colin Farrell colonizing the Americas… only about 2 hours too long if you ask me. I think all of the motionless and dialogue-less face shot scenes (not just frames mind you but actual and complete SCENES without talking or moving but just Colin Farrell's face) did it in for me.

Kelly and Julie: It must have been the first week we moved into our house when I was working in the back yard, still pulling those bleeping juniper-tams, when you (Julie) popped your head over the fence and asked if we were your new neighbors. I concurred that it must be the case and haven't thrown Emme's poop over the fence into your yard since. I swear the next question out of your mouth was "So, are you guys Mormons?". Then Kelly tried to convince me to keep my sprinklers spraying awry so as to keep watering his grapes. And maybe I should have because I think they died.

Spencer: My first memory of you is sitting on an airplane headed to Mammoth, listening to you think of an anagram for a girl you thought was stupid. I think you asked me if I was a swimmer, which I thought was pretty gay. We were riding for team Sobe/Cannondale and you shaved your legs too. But I got over that and consider you one of my favorite teammates slash travel companions of all time. Especially when we were sitting next to the girl in the LA airport who kept explaining every thought in tiny her head via hypothetical situations. After one too many hypothetical situations, you told her that hypotheticals were retarded because no one really knows how they will react to a given situation until they are in the situation. Remember how mad she got and asked you what you’d do if she hypothetically punched you in the face? Then she really did punch you in the face, grabbed her bags and stormed off. That was awesome.

Myles: So its not my first memory of you Myles but remember when I crashed at Mount Snow and hit my head so hard that I was knocked out and everyone tells me you were freaking out screaming for an ambulance. I came out of it to find you holding my hand totally crying. And for the millionth time, YES YOU WERE TOO CRYING. It’s cool. I’m pretty much a big deal and life would have been boring without me around. You’d also be single. Yah, your now wife would turn me down on a date the first time I met her but afterwards would be eternally grateful for giving you her phone number. I still think you married a groupie. Right Brooke?

Seth: Dude Seth, did we first meet when we went hot tubbing with Amber and that random blond girl. You became a fixture of conversation on every date I had with Amber after that. I think she was fascinated with you and also think she’s still single.

Joey: I first met you while you were sleeping on Tom's couch. If I remember correctly you would spend many a cold winter night that semester sleeping on Tom's couch. Later that week I discovered you were in one of my classes and I left you a secret note that said, “Tom really likes you”. You never stayed at Tom’s after that and Tom was pretty pleased with my problem solving skills.

Erica: I hung out with your sister a ton during our first year at the U and I think she thought you and I would fall in love and get married after you came home from your mission. All I remember is that the night she introduced us you kept saying everything was “rank”. I think you were wearing pajamas because I seem to recall that you wore your pajamas everyday after class and I mean immediately after class. We would later go on to complain about dating and discuss one another’s dates in way too much depth and seriousness. I’m glad you got married and broke that cycle. It was a death-spiral.

Deb: Deb, I’ve got to find that journal entry I wrote about the first time we met. It’s very complimentary and I think you’d be flattered. To summarize, we were watching “The Breakfast Club” at Raintree Apts in Provo along with 50 other people all smashed into a tiny living room. You had the whole movie memorized and quoted lines seconds before the part hit the screen. I remember you got stung by a bee and tried to scrape out the stinger with a credit card. You had the coolest little car that you let me drive going 100’s of miles per hour, whipping skiddies in the Burlington Coat Factory parking lot until something came loose and the engine started smoking. I never drove your car again after that.

I think that takes care of anyone who reads my blog, oh wait a minute. There's also this guy at work who goes by CMR (Christopher Matthew Reagan) who has been harassing me for months to post a blog about him. I had to explain that it would be weird for me to write something about him before I've even posted something about Ashlee. To that he replied that I could just write something about her and then be free to write about him. So I explained that unfortunately he wasn't # 2 on the list of "Significant People in Dave's Life". To be honest with you I thought he was going to be bummed out about it but all ends well with this story because we both agreed that he can occupy spot # 87 on the list. Here's to you CMR, friend # 87!

Okay, now I think that takes care of anyone who reads my bog but if I've forgot anyone else please feel free to comment and I will totally tell you my first memory of you. Unless your memory some how makes me seem like a jerk. Then I'll just make something up.