Today's 'Month In Review' is brought to you by Ketchup.

get it? ketchup... nevermind.

I already told you about Seattle - awesome as usual. But I didn't tell you about the MONSTER TRUCK SHOW! only it was SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY!

Went to Moab: camped at Gold Bar
sat by the fire
climbed Wallstreet
Biked Porquepine

Then went to St. George
and Sand Hollow
Ashlee trained hard for Little Red Riding Hood
even practiced her Lance Armstrong's look-over-the-shoulder-glare-at-Jan Ullrich for intimidation factors
She dominated! 82 miles and it's only her 2nd year riding. I'm creating a monster.

Strawberry Day's Rodeo with Wendy
intermission included flying motorcycles
and guess who caught the goggles after he tossed 'em into the crowd... she's such a groopie.
We hiked through the tunnell of fish during spawning season -literally thousands of fish to wade through and catch -but I can't tell you where. Too many feet tramples too many eggs. Rode the Sundance lift in the moonlight... good thing I didn't know it was just so easy to get Ashlee in the mood when we were dating -that would have been trouble.
Jackson Hole and Snake River
I caught Ashlee smiling before suffering through a lesson on "Kelly wait. What are you teaching us how to do?" she asks. The answer... "Survive!" -and yes, that's the actual answer- before paddling the Snake.
Smores are the coolest thing ever invented and I do mean EVER. Next to Max that is. And I have to say that as Max's inventor I think I deserve a round of applause because he's one awesome dude.

Found a nice trail next to our house
with a good view
which makes for good smiles
and a good marriage.

And in news of "Really?! I Mean Seriously Really?! Do We Really Want To Go There?!

Have you heard that a Federal appeals court has ruled that paper money is unfair to the blind?

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First of all, have you heard of Erik Weihenmayer? Um yah. He's blind and still managed to climb the "Seven Summits" -the tallest peak on every continent (which includes Everest)-, not to mention scaled the 3000 foot rock face of El Capitan. He's also skied down the tallest peak in Europe and GUIDED Tibetan blind teenagers to 21,500 feet on the north side of Mt. Everest. And I recall that while reading his book, which largely focused on not dying at 20,000+ feet by falling into a crevasse or off a cliff that he didn't give much thought to paper money. Oh wait, there was this one half of a sentence which mentions that he learned to fold dollar bills differently, each according to it's corresponding denomination.

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Second: Who still uses cash? I mean besides Over The Counter Cafe on 33rd which pisses me off because I always and I mean ALWAYS have to leave Ashlee sitting at the table after hashbrowns and pancakes while I run to the ATM at the gas station across the street.

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Third: if this means I have to have money like those metro-Europeans (no offense mum) -you know the kind where the money gets bigger and bigger and eventually you're carrying around a bill the size of a Sunday newspaper- I'm moving back to Bolivia where no-one has money anyway so it doesn't matter.

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[LINK TO ARTICLE THAT IS ALSO UNFAIR TO BLIND PEOPLE AS IT IS ON A COMPUTER]

Question...

What's cooler than catching a summer ballgame at Safeco Field where the Emerald City serves as a backdrop?
Catching said ballgame with your wife and kid? Close. But no.
How about catching said ballgame with your wife and kid AND getting free Mariner ball-caps because you're Mormon! AWESOME.
No wait. Let me go back. How about catching said ballgame with your wife and kid AND getting free Mariner ball-caps because you're Mormon AND AND AND listening to this kid armpit fart the "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" song. TOTALLY AWESOME.

WA

Flew home to Seattle to hang with my parents over the 4th this year.

Caught the ferry in Mukelteo
Had to wait in line FOREVER because one of the boats was docked!? Good thing sailing the Puget with dad makes all the angst in the world go away.
Plus relaxing in Langley (the old stomping grounds)

Hung out at Pike's Place
Watched the fish fly

Counted gum on the wall
Ashlee added some more
Shopped the street vendors

Fed seagulls

Loitered the Ballard Locks
Watched Salmon in the fish latter
Caught a Mariner's game
Cut down 32 of my dad's trees.

Ashlee proved a worthy Heave Equipment Operator
Swam Goss lake
Kayaked Useless Bay
Went crabbing

Walked the plank
Scarred dad's tennis court with fireworks
Sparklers are the coolest!
and don't make fun of me jerks but this is just a pretty flower. "foxglove" if memory serves.

Something I like

Somebody tried to tell me (and first of all, talking is soooo 2006... everyone's leaving comments on blogs these days and if they want to say anything they just write a post instead. Savy?)that I should stop being so negative and post something on my blog that I actually like.

Done.

The Frenchies are going to be pissed...

[http://thetourofamerica.com/]

Poor, lonely Princess Leia. All dressed up in disguise and there's no one else to save from being frozen in carbonite ice.

Have you ever felt the desire to dress up like a Star Wars character? Ya, me neither... but someone does...

[Steven Schofield's Fantastic Gallery Of Awesomeness]

Also, did you know their is a Wookieepidia. Yes, my friends; Christmas has come early.

"I pity the fool" who never had a mohawk!

How the West was won... then lost to gay people.

My childhood memory was lynched last weekend. Called out into the street and shot dead at high-noon.

See on the way to Jackson Hole I'm telling Ashlee how cool the place is. How it's the last of the cowboy's land. A real shot of the West with tough dudes in cowboy hats and boots. Spurs and chaps. Even mustaches! (and I'm not talking about the kind of mustache worn by the guy who you make fun of for having a mustache... I'm talking about the kind of mustache worn by the cowboys you don't dare to cross... the cowboys who stair you straight in the eyeballs as they spit in the street and strike matches on the palm of their hand to light a Marlboro)

And in the center of town - man oh man - by the park with the antlers... there's A SHOOTOUT! Horses running! A stagecoach bouncing! Pistols smokin'! Guys falling off their trusty steeds, tumbling off of second story balconies and laying dead in the street after getting blasted! Black hats and gun powder! Double-barreled shotguns! It's the COOLEST! So hurry up and eat your burger Ashlee because if we miss it... heaven help you!

So we finish our dinner, hang around town then stand in the sun waiting for the 6:00 show. I keep telling Ashlee that THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!

The crowd grows and people squeeze in and everyones waiting for the gun-slinging, the draw and the fight. But what do we get instead? A bunch of sissy'd up, nancy-loving drama-class grads lip-sinking "Bad to the Bone" and DANCING in the street like fruitcakes.

Are you KIDDING ME right now?!

Okay, New Rule: you can talk me into riding my bike though Jackson Hole if I'm riding LotoJa. You can talk me into driving through Jackson Hole if we're headed to the Tetons, Jenny Lake or Yellowstone. You can even talk me into stopping to eat in Jackson if we're camping near Hoback Junction or on the Gray's River. Shoot, you can even talk me into taking a stroll around Jackson looking for a jackalope to hang on your wall (BTW: I totally thought jackalopes were real after seeing one mounted on the wall in a Jackson Hole tourist shop when I was 6 or maybe it was a saloon?). But Dangit you can not not notty not talk me into watching the Jackson Hole dancing ninnies have a "shoot out" ever again.

The Last American Man.

Let me introduce you to Eustace Conway and the manliest book you'll ever read.

This guy killed a cougar with his bare hands just so he could use it as bait for a grizzly bear! Yah, a grizzly bear that he killed with nothing more than his cold stare and a whipping from his braided hair. Best part? Hardly. He also hikes the entire Appalachian trail with nothing but a red bandana, rides a horse from the Atlantic to the Pacific AND fights an elk in hand-to-antler combat. You try it tough guy. You just go ahead and try it.

[THE LAST AMERICAN MAN]

A Visual Aide for distinguishing among other things an old movie star, a nostalgic crush, an odd-looking car, and a midget

Sometimes its helpful to write down your thought process to make some sense of it all. Especially when you suddenly realize you've been thinking about Mini Me for the past five mintes while reviewing a proposal... I figure I arrived at the latter after transitioning through the following thought process;

Gary Cooper

Winnie Cooper

Mini Cooper

Mini Me

Here, let me show you...

Gary Cooper Winnie Cooper
Mini Cooper
Mini Me

Makes sense now doesn't it.

Marrissa Miller is all yours Spencer...

And no I don't lay awake at night thinking about her... I married Ashlee remember? Yeaaaaaaah she's the one who when we got engaged and you saw a photo of her you said something to the likes of, "WHAT THE CRAP!? That chick is waaaaaaaay too hot for you Dave".

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Besides, if there ever was an infatuation it wasn't with some dolled-up super model showing herself off in her skivvies. It was Winnie Cooper.

That's right. It was Winnie Cooper who kept me from true happiness all those years I was single and dating girls I really liked but just couldn’t close the deal with. They just didn’t measure up. She was the one woman in my life (or TV anyway) who affected me more profoundly than any other woman and as such kept me from forming any solid relationships. I just couldn't commit to anyone because I knew that someday Kevin would cave into that hot girl, Madeline and end up kissing her which would ruin things for him and Winnie but set things up for me and Winnie. I just had to meet up with her somewhere that was all.

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Yep. There's no doubts about it, Winnie Cooper was my first love. A young (and long haired) Milla Jovovich in Return to The Blue Lagoon held my heart strings for a little while but I realize now that that was just lust.
Winnie Cooper on the other hand was the real deal. Every time she’d come on TV I’d get butterflies in my stomach as if at any moment I’d be forced to talk to her. More than anything I wanted to slow dance with her and hold her tight after her parents broke up. I hate you Kevin Arnold!

Caliburnia

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It's a well known fact that The Big Sur is the only good thing California has ever produced... fine, fine... The Big Sur and Marissa Miller. But now California is destroying The Big Sur and I'm married, which takes care of the whole Marissa deal, so I just don't know if there is any reason to visit California anymore.

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Alas here are some cool photos of the fire and firefighters in CA. And Ashlee, I hope this satiates your firefighter desires and you will stop setting the stove alight. Honestly! I'm tired of rushing into the kitchen in the middle of the night with my shirt off and wearing my plastic firefighter hat to fight oven fires.

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[GREAT PICTURES]

I'm straight with the Roc... Barack that is.

Can't we just get this over with already and vote Obama the coolest President the United States will ever have?

I defer any further explanation to Jay-Z.

Exodus 20:7

So I deleted my post titled, "DMX's guide to November 2nd... you know, politics and voting, yo!". And I deleted it not because it wasn't funny after I censored it but because it was still pretty crass after I censored it. It would have been one of those posts that my mom read and then immediatly afterward called me to say, "Some of your posts I like and some I don't like".

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If anyone's curious to know what kind of post my mum doesn't like you can post a comment and I'll let you know.