You gotta love the government!

This is an actual letter sent to a man regarding the pictured pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the sweet response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr.Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work et hic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Physics Schmysics. That's what I say.

So hd hubrich is pretty much the coolest guy I know. And not just because of his superior intellect, which I happen to have an example of;

When I explained that I wanted to be him when I grow up he recognized that there would be a problem because he wants to be me when he grows up and you can't just have two different people turning into each other. It would create, he explained, "a tear in the time space continuum or something". Good point Hans. ...and for the rest of you, I told you he had superior intellect.

See it's conversations like this that to my delight (but my wife's chagrin) launch me into a geeking delirium about space its possibilities. Much like the time when this really smart guy who knows a lot of stuff about space and time and Star Trek and has a degree in smartology said that time travel is impossible. Oh yeah?... If time travel is so impossible then why would I be wearing this outfit? Think about it geniuses! There is no other reason why I would be wearing that hat, jacket, and those awesome time traveling goggles unless I was getting ready to travel to the future.

Lee Iacocca for President!

Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from its death throes? He has a new book, Where Have All the Leaders Gone? And here are some excerpts;
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"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course". Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!" You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore. The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the "America" my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?

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I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest "C" is Crisis! Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down. On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess.

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So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership. But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders gone?"

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Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point. Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo?

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We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened. Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm. Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time.

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Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?

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Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.

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I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change? Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the"Korean War", the "Kennedy Assassination", the"Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.

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If I've learned one thing, it's this: "You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had "enough."

Masai Warriors and their delcaration that marathons are easy because there are no lions: AWESOME!

Have you ever thought, "Man I am lame." Oh, you haven't? Well how about you read "The Journal of A Masai Warrior Running The London Marathon." LINK TO ARTICLE SO AWESOME I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE. There. Now do you feel like a chubby fruitcake?

Apparently a group of Masai warriors ran the marathon to raise money for a clean water program, well that and to make you feel like the roley poley, worthless, non-lion killing fairy that you are.

"I miss meat and blood very much. Not vegetables because they are food for a woman. There is milk here but blood is better because it gives energy. English tea with sugar is good and we tried Coco Pops, but the nicest food is croissants." - Isaya

Alright so it's not the most manly thing to eat croissants but my argument stands; this dude is tougher than you. He kills lions!

Juxtapositions: business-like representations of gangsta rap

For those of you who went through high-school like I did; bumping the base and pimpin' your ride (which happened to be a 1984 2-wheel drive Toyota pick-up truck that I hit a tree with dead on and my dad taught me a lesson by making me drive that thing even if I had to keep my foot on the gas ALL THE TIME. Yep, foot on the gas ALL THE TIME to keep it running. Even while slowing for a stop sign. I had to riverdance back and forth from the brake to the gas, brake to the gas and keep the carborator wide open as I prayed the engine wouldn't just stop or explode. Of course, even if it did stop I could just throw it in gear as I silently rolled down the highway and pop the clutch to start it back up again with a firey pop. And lest I forget the radio-antenna; fashioned from a wire coat-hanger... or the wheel that rubbed up something aweful against the bumper every time I turned left... squealing and squeeking as I pimped along... those were the days. Bumping the base and pimping my ride).

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Without "capital s-n-double-o-p d-o-double-g-y d-o-g ya see" and my main man Doctor D are E, bumping and pimpin' wouldn't have been anything more than hoping that truck would get me home from school every day. So here's to my boys and the raps they rapped. They made me feel like a gangsta, yo!

Ite?

I'm telling you that if you ever have to make a thousand graphs and charts that demonstrate cost/benefit analytics for public municipalities and the health care dillema you are going to get bored. So I suggest you throw in a graph or two that demonstrates your favorite rap.

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This just keeps things going and you'll be ready to get back to business.

Do unto others...

See that woman on the left? The incredibly attractive one with impeccable taste in red skorts? Well my friends, you are looking at a real American hero. You are looking at Esther Viti. While some Americans waste their time caring about the poor and downtrodden and the wretches of society; Esther takes Jesus' command to heart, when he said somewhere in the Bible, "Homeless people aren't really people and let's be honest most of them smell pretty bad so I command you to rid the world of all homeless. Yeah, and verily I say unto you, smite the homeless with the hand of righteous retribution". Or something like that.

Fed-up with ne'erdowells cluttering up her beautiful La Jolla (that's a tricky one if you don't speak spanish. The 'j' is pronounced with an 'h' sound) benches, Esther has taken it upon herself to come up with a brilliantly simple scheme. She is recruiting people who don't smell bad and have teeth to sit on the benches for 3 hour increments so homeless people can't sit on them. You would think an amazingly logical plan like that could only come from a philosophy professor, but Esther only has a degree in hate-olgy.

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Here's to you Esther HUSSEIN Viti. Kick 'em while they're down and keep on fighting the good fight!

{ARTICLE DETAILING ESTHER'S BRILLIANT PLAN}

And in "News of The Super Awesome!!!"...

"A Town in South America is living in fear after several sightings of a 'creepy gnome' that locals claim stalks the streets at night. The midget - which wears a pointy hat and has a distinctive sideways walk - was caught on video last week by a terrified group of youngsters."

Anytime, and I mean ANYTIME, a 'creepy gnome' makes it into the newspaper, I declare it officially “Awesome Time!”

You're no friend of mine!

So I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about stupid stuff. But this is only because I have out-thought everyone I know and I've exhausted ideas about anything of import. As such I've been forced to apply my superior intellect to things like The Lost Continent of MU and Capgras' Delusion. And I think I might be coming down with it because I just realized that I can't remember the first time I met most of my friends. This is weird because these are the people who most of my memories and experiences center around. So to remedy my memories here is a rundown just to keep myself in check. Feel free to add any memories you have.

Ashlee: Florida offshore, April 30th, 2005: The first time I saw you was walking across the deck of a cruise ship in a black bikini (trust me, if anyone else was watching you walk that deck in that black bikini they would have proposed to you too). We were on Celebrity cruise-line ship, The Century to be exact, heading for the Virgin Islands… Bahamas… Puerto Rico… St. Thomas and the likes. I didn’t think I had a chance in H-E-double hockey sticks of even talking to you, let alone getting to know you. I specifically thought to myself, “that is the hot girl on this cruise”. I was convinced you would be surrounded by every single guy on that boat so why waste my time? Turns out we were in the same group, mingling with the same friends, eating at the same dinner table. It also just so happens that we later found ourselves standing next to each other outside the dining hall looking at each other wondering what was to come. It was one of those moments when you want to tell a girl you think she’s adorable. Just stunningly beautiful. The most attractive woman you've ever laid eyes on. One of those moments when you want to brush shoulders or even bump elbows and feel the warmth and excitement of just touching someone you’re drawn to. I knew that any possible future hinged on our first conversation so it had to be something profound. But instead it went something more like those middle-school conversations where a boy has a mad crush on a girl. He wants to tell her how much he likes her. How much he thinks about her. How much he wants to be around her. So he asks her, "did you do your homework?" and she nods and he turns and puts his head on he desk and sleeps. The only difference between their conversation and ours was that we weren't in middle school and I didn't ask you if you did your homework. I was way more forward and asked you straight up, "how long have you had short hair?". Oh yah baby... game on.

Max: Davis County Hospital, December 30th, 2006: I didn’t want to tell your mom I was worried about the shape of your face and how I thought you’d never make friends if you took a cone-head like that to school. The cone would later round-out but would that black, scabby umbilical nub ever go away!? I guess you could always swim with a shirt on…

Mike: We were both renting rooms near the U from Joe, aka; "the slumlord" in 2000. Because your house was only two doors down from my house it was easy and often that you distract me from homework or other responsibilities in order to go to a movie or mountain bike, kayak, or loose to you and Scott in a tennis match BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU GUYS CONSTANTLY CHEATED! Being the “bro’s before ho’s” kind of guy that you are, you're still gathering the guys to hang out regularly while you make your wife stay home with the kids. Maybe you're not that harsh because I know you stay home with kids while Tiff plays too. I just think it's awesome that you won't let go of old friendships for the sake of making your marriage stronger. But then again, you and I both know that I am waaaaay cooler than Tiff so I don't blame you for wanting to hang out with me more than her.

Scott: Another tenant renting from "the slumlord", we met sometime after my mission and you were the guy I looked up to. You were always so carefully methodical, studiously educated, faithfully disciplined, tremendously accepting and always welcoming. You were so aware. So conscientious. So considerate. I'm not sure why but I remember everyone piling into your car on occasion and after you turned the ignition, cool music always quietly played through perfectly volumed speakers. Never loud and raucous but quiet and refined. You would become one of the best friends I have ever, ever had. We rented apartments together for years... remember listening to Chris mumble in his sleep and "ITS A DEAD GUY!?" in our back yard? It kinda sucks that getting married broke up our group and has us so scattered now that its hard to keep up on friendships that you wanted to last a lifetime.

Hans & Cami: I think the first time I met you guys was right after you looked at the condo on 21st. I wasn’t there because I couldn’t narrow 31 flavors down to ONLY TWO that Baskin Robbins allowed on my waffle cone… why have 31 flavors then? Anyway, I was worried that a roommate as cool as you (both were really) wouldn’t come along again so I headed out to your car where you were probably wondering, “is that Brandon guy for real?”. Good thing you recognized my awesomeness and agreed to move in to #5 because that is where it all began. Seems like we've been digging our cars out of very deep snow on very deserted roads ever since.

KB: Hans asked me if I wanted to “sluff Priesthood” and go listen to you talk in sacrament. I submitted and remember listening to one of the best sacrament talks I had heard in a long time. It was an education on Divine Esteem and a story about long-handled spoons. I loved it. But I guess I didn’t really meet you until we went to Bicycle Centers on 7th to pick out your “periwinkle dream”. We also had lunch at Café Rio and talked FOREVER. KB, you would impact my life for good beyond what I ever imagined. You're constantly chasing down your dreams and making things happen the way you want them to. We had so many enlightening conversations and so many laughs. Good game!

Jon: I’m pretty sure you were my Elder’s Quorum President when we played flag-football at Sugarhouse park. You were the quarterback and I was running really bad routes. After I messed up a really easy pattern, missed the catch and headed back to the huddle, you slapped me on my bare chest with the palm of your hand and left a red mark. And then you yelled something like, “Two and out Dave! Two and out!... C’mon!”. I think that was the same flag-football game that you got into a fight with the Bishop’s son and dropped the F-bomb. You were such a good example.

Kandice & Mark: Kandice, you were the quiet girl at Costco who never said a word. But then again, there were a lot of people working at Costco and I’m sure you just lost me in the crowd, even with my blue supervisor’s vest. Maybe you were just scared of me because I was a ruthless figure of unquestionable authority and regimented discipline. “You just pulled cart duty!”. I think you and Mark came over after we moved into our house. I was pulling those freaking juniper-tams from my backyard (yah, you know what it’s like… oh wait, you pansies PAID someone else to do it for you!) and you guys asked Ashlee if we wanted to watch a movie. It must have been like 7 o-clock and I said sure, completely unaware that you wanted to watch the movie "right now?". Remember? That movie sucked. It was the really lame one about Colin Farrell colonizing the Americas… only about 2 hours too long if you ask me. I think all of the motionless and dialogue-less face shot scenes (not just frames mind you but actual and complete SCENES without talking or moving but just Colin Farrell's face) did it in for me.

Kelly and Julie: It must have been the first week we moved into our house when I was working in the back yard, still pulling those bleeping juniper-tams, when you (Julie) popped your head over the fence and asked if we were your new neighbors. I concurred that it must be the case and haven't thrown Emme's poop over the fence into your yard since. I swear the next question out of your mouth was "So, are you guys Mormons?". Then Kelly tried to convince me to keep my sprinklers spraying awry so as to keep watering his grapes. And maybe I should have because I think they died.

Spencer: My first memory of you is sitting on an airplane headed to Mammoth, listening to you think of an anagram for a girl you thought was stupid. I think you asked me if I was a swimmer, which I thought was pretty gay. We were riding for team Sobe/Cannondale and you shaved your legs too. But I got over that and consider you one of my favorite teammates slash travel companions of all time. Especially when we were sitting next to the girl in the LA airport who kept explaining every thought in tiny her head via hypothetical situations. After one too many hypothetical situations, you told her that hypotheticals were retarded because no one really knows how they will react to a given situation until they are in the situation. Remember how mad she got and asked you what you’d do if she hypothetically punched you in the face? Then she really did punch you in the face, grabbed her bags and stormed off. That was awesome.

Myles: So its not my first memory of you Myles but remember when I crashed at Mount Snow and hit my head so hard that I was knocked out and everyone tells me you were freaking out screaming for an ambulance. I came out of it to find you holding my hand totally crying. And for the millionth time, YES YOU WERE TOO CRYING. It’s cool. I’m pretty much a big deal and life would have been boring without me around. You’d also be single. Yah, your now wife would turn me down on a date the first time I met her but afterwards would be eternally grateful for giving you her phone number. I still think you married a groupie. Right Brooke?

Seth: Dude Seth, did we first meet when we went hot tubbing with Amber and that random blond girl. You became a fixture of conversation on every date I had with Amber after that. I think she was fascinated with you and also think she’s still single.

Joey: I first met you while you were sleeping on Tom's couch. If I remember correctly you would spend many a cold winter night that semester sleeping on Tom's couch. Later that week I discovered you were in one of my classes and I left you a secret note that said, “Tom really likes you”. You never stayed at Tom’s after that and Tom was pretty pleased with my problem solving skills.

Erica: I hung out with your sister a ton during our first year at the U and I think she thought you and I would fall in love and get married after you came home from your mission. All I remember is that the night she introduced us you kept saying everything was “rank”. I think you were wearing pajamas because I seem to recall that you wore your pajamas everyday after class and I mean immediately after class. We would later go on to complain about dating and discuss one another’s dates in way too much depth and seriousness. I’m glad you got married and broke that cycle. It was a death-spiral.

Deb: Deb, I’ve got to find that journal entry I wrote about the first time we met. It’s very complimentary and I think you’d be flattered. To summarize, we were watching “The Breakfast Club” at Raintree Apts in Provo along with 50 other people all smashed into a tiny living room. You had the whole movie memorized and quoted lines seconds before the part hit the screen. I remember you got stung by a bee and tried to scrape out the stinger with a credit card. You had the coolest little car that you let me drive going 100’s of miles per hour, whipping skiddies in the Burlington Coat Factory parking lot until something came loose and the engine started smoking. I never drove your car again after that.

I think that takes care of anyone who reads my blog, oh wait a minute. There's also this guy at work who goes by CMR (Christopher Matthew Reagan) who has been harassing me for months to post a blog about him. I had to explain that it would be weird for me to write something about him before I've even posted something about Ashlee. To that he replied that I could just write something about her and then be free to write about him. So I explained that unfortunately he wasn't # 2 on the list of "Significant People in Dave's Life". To be honest with you I thought he was going to be bummed out about it but all ends well with this story because we both agreed that he can occupy spot # 87 on the list. Here's to you CMR, friend # 87!

Okay, now I think that takes care of anyone who reads my bog but if I've forgot anyone else please feel free to comment and I will totally tell you my first memory of you. Unless your memory some how makes me seem like a jerk. Then I'll just make something up.

Something to hate

I love it when I discover there is something new that I hate. To be honest with you it's not so often so when it does happen, I'm obliged to pay considerable attention. As I walked to my car this morning I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh! I really hate this." But let me backstory you for a second. And yes, I used 'backstory' as a verb. I do those kind of things.

I have only recently begun wearing glasses again after almost a 7 year forced hiatus. I stopped wearing glasses after, as a young return missionary, some girl I was kissing rolled off the couch and smashed my glasses into a little tumble of metal and glass. I had taken them off because glasses are terribly awkward to wear while kissing. I discovered this on my mission. TOTALLY kidding! I mean I'm sure I could have found a Bolivian worth kissing despite the missing teeth and lack of showers but I just wasn't in the mood. Bolivia will do that to you.

Anyway, since I was a tight-wad glasses never made it back onto my 'things I should buy' radar and I just wore contacts. Last year, for some reason, I decided I really did want glasses and went out and bought a jaunty, scholarly pair. Joey said they look emo, but Joey usually looks homeless, so I question the veracity of his claim. I think I look like Ira Glass in them, only hotter and less Jewish. Now this brings me to what I hate; not Ira Glass mind you. I love Ira Glass.

I capital-h Hate walking in the rain while wearing glasses. I have no idea how people do it. It has got to be one of the worst things on earth. (9 out of 10 genocide survivors agree that having to walk around wearing glasses while it is raining is absolutely the worst thing ever.) You can never see anything and then as soon as you are inside you have to untuck your shirt to clean off the water. Perhaps I should just gay-up and buy an umbrella; or perhaps I should not and continue to experience that giddy little rush of hate whenever it rains.

Yes you can

I try to keep a balanced head and a balanced heart. That could be a Lifehouse song. Maybe it already is? I find this speech at time maddeningly vague, but I keep coming back to it and every time it gives me chills. Seriously, no matter where you stand with Obama you have to admit this is one great piece of oration. Try to read it without thinking about that hack Scarlett Johansen.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people.

Yes we can.

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom through the darkest of nights.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

Awesome

I love it, when midway through a movie, I discover where the title came from. James Bond movies are particularly good at holding out on you. A quick and entertaining interjection: I didn’t realize until living in Bolivia, forced to speak and think in Spanish for two years, that the card game “Uno” was called “Uno” because you only have one card left when you yell “UNO!”. My wife tells me I should stop owning up to embarrassing moments like these but I just can’t. It’s who I am and that's how I roll.

Anyway, last night I watched a Sundance Documentary called "Man on Wire." The title, just an FYI, is from a police report regarding the super awesomest stunt of all time, and not a spoof of "Man on Fire." In 1974 Phillippe Petit strung a wire across the Twin Towers and went to town walking across it for an hour. As soon as he stepped back on to the roof, he was promptly arrested, but not before being the awesomest guy with a gay name ever. He also struck a winning blow for all those unfortunate souls who's parents thought alliteration was a good way to go when naming their child. Here's looking at you Humbert Holbert.

George Lucas just redeemed himself.

Moments after I discovered George Lucas to be a 'B-rated, my-studio-is-in-my-mom's-basement' film maker (vogelsblogger: Fasten your seatbelt Chewie.), he's redeemed himself.

Look, I'm not a geek. Despite what my lovely wife believes and despite my total amazement regarding hollow earth theory, and who cares that I read all of the appendices to Lord of The Rings and walked around as a kid telling people I was Aragorn son of Arathorn; I really don't geek out too much. (BTW how awesome is it that Aragorn's wikipedia entry is longer than Madeline Albright's!?) Like you don't see me hanging out at Pioneer Park on Wednsday nights dressed up like Sir Gallahad and doing battle with Lancelot of whatever the heck they do. However, Indiana Jones is freaking cool and seeing a new Indiana Jones poster makes me very, very, very happy. Is that wrong?

Indiana Jones is so tied to my childhood I couldn't watch this trailer without feeling like I was 12 again. If you could have seen me… my eyes grew really big and I started smiling uncontrollably and I suddenly felt an ache for Julie Whateveryourlastnamewas, the girl I loved in 7th grade. She was dating the school bad-boy, Jesse, who's dad was the principal so he got away with everything. I, being the nice mormon boy I was, wrote her a note that said, "Would you please go out with me. Thank you." I thought the 'please' would show how polite and respectful I was. This is why I totally scored with all the ladies. Except for her that is because she had her friend Krista bring a note back to me that said, "I can't believe you think I'd go out with you. And now Jesse's going to beat you up". But back to the trailer. Oh man oh man. This will be awesome!

Thomas Jefferson

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

For I stand on firm ground.

Mr. President

Alright, I'm coming out and doing this. I'm a bit hesitant to write this since I feel people look to me as a paragon of reason, restraint, and level-headedness. At least several times a day, random strangers walk up to me and say, "how are you so very reasonable about EVERYTHING and ALL the time?". Oh, how I jest.

Seriously though, listen. Four years ago (that would be a year before I met Ashlee... she doesn't go for this kind of entertainment) while watching the Democratic National Convention I turned to my roommate, while Barack Obama was speaking and said, "Why is this guy not running? I would vote for him in a heartbeat!". Now, I don't believe political decisions should be made based on emotional or visceral reactions. I don't think getting chills whenever Obama opens that ridiculously perfectly shaped pout of his is any reason to vote for him. I'm also pretty aware that everyone who is my age, and has a blog, is busy as little bees writing blogs about how Barack Obama will save the universe like some sort of Jedi night.

This, however, is what I do believe. I tend to lean pretty libertarian on most social and fiscal issues and I know Obama's recent ranking as "the most liberal Senator to ever take a breath in DC" does not seem to agree with me. However, I feel that the most pressing issue facing this nation, above all other pressing issues that will have to be dealt with, is our complete inability to have a decent, rational, nationwide, political discourse. Our inability to sit down and talk about hard, complicated answers for hard, complicated problems. The security and economic threats our nation faces are unlike anything we have faced before. Yet, over the last 8 years we have applied the same tired paradigms to a whole new set of dynamic shifting problems. We have also allowed rankled partisanship to seep into every discussion about every topic our nation urgently faces. Issues have become talking points, and talking points have become steeped with finger-pointing and blame-hucking.

I believe, and perhaps naively, that the election of Obama could help begin a healing process, and more importantly, an objective dialogue. A debate not centered around disenchantment and mean-spiritedness, but a discussion of what our country truly needs to do to move forward. I also believe that people who voluntarily vote for Hillary Clinton enjoy drinking the warm tears of orphans. Too mean? I know but I just hate that cold-hearted witch and could never ever vote for her even if there is a guy with a beret standing behind Barack.

For those who disagree feel free to leave a comment so I can lay into you with the wrath of a thousand emails of mockery and scorn.

berets for Barack?

Here’s my problem; I like Barack Obama and I will probably vote for Barack Obama. I just wish there wasn't a guy in a beret and beard standing over his right shoulder while he gave his Iowa victory speech. I mean, can I vote for the same guy that a dude who is wearing a beret, beard and ponytail is also voting for? I just don't know. I mean a freaking beret!!! I guess it just goes to show that Obama is pulling the mime and anarchist vote too.

Yes Please!

BACON SALT! Are you kidding me?! It is 2008 and someone just thought of this. Oh the future is here my friends. The future is here.

[Amazingly Awesome Bacon Salt]

Fasten your seatbelt Chewie.

When did I trade my 4Runner in for the Millennium Falcon? I just drove 5 hours looking through Han Solo's windshield and I'll go on record here to say that I think George Lucas could have been waaay more creative when coming up with an idea for "hyperdrive". Light speed special effects are only a snow storm away at 70 miles per hour on I-15.

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Man cannot live off bread alone. Now bacon on the other hand...

I submit that the greatest invention since the wheel... no wait! including the wheel is BACON. Let me further contend that were it not for bacon, even fire, great as it is would have been nothing more than a quick flash in the pan. A fast fading fad if you will after people realized that fire is pretty much useless be it not for those blessed fatty strips of meat to drape over a flame.

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And a word to the wise my bacon loving brethren;

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If you can sneak the whole Costco pack (that's THREE POUNDS! of Natural Hickory Smoked BACON) into the cooler for your weekend getaway, your wife has no argument against you cooking ALL THREE POUNDS regardless if you are the only ones there. This is because (and you WILL argue back that) the uncooked bacon will just go bad in the ice-less cooler during the long drive home and that is just wasteful. Irresponsibly and unacceptably wasteful. So you can just go on and keep cooking bacon all the while doing the math in your head to the workings out that you will each have A POUND AND A HALF of bacon for breakfast! Yes! A pound and a half! And in my case, because my wife is 'dainty' and won't eat more than 5 strips, I will have the pleasure of devouring TWO AND THREE QUARTER POUNDS of that blessed, sweet mother of fatty meat. And that my friends is a good breakfast.

WATASCATIHTBAT # 3

I like googlemaps. I really do. But it would be waaaay cooler if they could incorporate some sort adjustment for the influence weather has on your travels. For example, when googlemaps tells you it takes only 4 hours to get to Island Park but by the time you reach Idaho Falls where the roads are solid ice and wind-whipped and you can only drive 30 mph... it does not take 4 hours to get to Island Park. It's an un-argueable 8!

No bother, we arrived and rented snow mobiles, tamed the powder of Big Springs, Last Chance, Trude and the likes. Here you see Ashlee taking a break after her 60 mph jettison through jumps and moguls... all while I hung on to the back seat for dear life. (I'm not in this photo because I'm at the hospital getting my bruised kidneys replaced!)Ashlee mocked and scorned me for complaining about my battered body so I decided to hybernate until she's as old as I am and she can be a little more sympathetic.

Ashlee flashes a wicked smile after tracking me down and decides to punish me for being such a whiney cripple...

... she makes me break trail in deep snow for hours on end, all while carrying some heavy kid with a massive head... or a shrunken body. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
Then after she tells me that if I don't stop complaining about aching kidneys and a broken back she commands her pet wolves to "sick-em!" on an unsuspcting Bambi telling me "you'll get the same!" if I don't tough up. ...little do I know, the kid with the huge head is lost in the middle of the deer-eating mela and knaws on the carcus getting blood all over his face.

Okay, look. I lied about the kid with the massive head knawing on the deer carcus and getting blood all over his face. Maybe it was just the remains of the red-vines licorice he was having a hard time getting in his mouth because his dad kept tromping around in the snow off-balance and wobbling. But I swear, I am calling the hospital for pricing on a new kidney today.