Something I like

Somebody tried to tell me (and first of all, talking is soooo 2006... everyone's leaving comments on blogs these days and if they want to say anything they just write a post instead. Savy?)that I should stop being so negative and post something on my blog that I actually like.

Done.

The Frenchies are going to be pissed...

[http://thetourofamerica.com/]

Poor, lonely Princess Leia. All dressed up in disguise and there's no one else to save from being frozen in carbonite ice.

Have you ever felt the desire to dress up like a Star Wars character? Ya, me neither... but someone does...

[Steven Schofield's Fantastic Gallery Of Awesomeness]

Also, did you know their is a Wookieepidia. Yes, my friends; Christmas has come early.

"I pity the fool" who never had a mohawk!

How the West was won... then lost to gay people.

My childhood memory was lynched last weekend. Called out into the street and shot dead at high-noon.

See on the way to Jackson Hole I'm telling Ashlee how cool the place is. How it's the last of the cowboy's land. A real shot of the West with tough dudes in cowboy hats and boots. Spurs and chaps. Even mustaches! (and I'm not talking about the kind of mustache worn by the guy who you make fun of for having a mustache... I'm talking about the kind of mustache worn by the cowboys you don't dare to cross... the cowboys who stair you straight in the eyeballs as they spit in the street and strike matches on the palm of their hand to light a Marlboro)

And in the center of town - man oh man - by the park with the antlers... there's A SHOOTOUT! Horses running! A stagecoach bouncing! Pistols smokin'! Guys falling off their trusty steeds, tumbling off of second story balconies and laying dead in the street after getting blasted! Black hats and gun powder! Double-barreled shotguns! It's the COOLEST! So hurry up and eat your burger Ashlee because if we miss it... heaven help you!

So we finish our dinner, hang around town then stand in the sun waiting for the 6:00 show. I keep telling Ashlee that THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!

The crowd grows and people squeeze in and everyones waiting for the gun-slinging, the draw and the fight. But what do we get instead? A bunch of sissy'd up, nancy-loving drama-class grads lip-sinking "Bad to the Bone" and DANCING in the street like fruitcakes.

Are you KIDDING ME right now?!

Okay, New Rule: you can talk me into riding my bike though Jackson Hole if I'm riding LotoJa. You can talk me into driving through Jackson Hole if we're headed to the Tetons, Jenny Lake or Yellowstone. You can even talk me into stopping to eat in Jackson if we're camping near Hoback Junction or on the Gray's River. Shoot, you can even talk me into taking a stroll around Jackson looking for a jackalope to hang on your wall (BTW: I totally thought jackalopes were real after seeing one mounted on the wall in a Jackson Hole tourist shop when I was 6 or maybe it was a saloon?). But Dangit you can not not notty not talk me into watching the Jackson Hole dancing ninnies have a "shoot out" ever again.

The Last American Man.

Let me introduce you to Eustace Conway and the manliest book you'll ever read.

This guy killed a cougar with his bare hands just so he could use it as bait for a grizzly bear! Yah, a grizzly bear that he killed with nothing more than his cold stare and a whipping from his braided hair. Best part? Hardly. He also hikes the entire Appalachian trail with nothing but a red bandana, rides a horse from the Atlantic to the Pacific AND fights an elk in hand-to-antler combat. You try it tough guy. You just go ahead and try it.

[THE LAST AMERICAN MAN]

A Visual Aide for distinguishing among other things an old movie star, a nostalgic crush, an odd-looking car, and a midget

Sometimes its helpful to write down your thought process to make some sense of it all. Especially when you suddenly realize you've been thinking about Mini Me for the past five mintes while reviewing a proposal... I figure I arrived at the latter after transitioning through the following thought process;

Gary Cooper

Winnie Cooper

Mini Cooper

Mini Me

Here, let me show you...

Gary Cooper Winnie Cooper
Mini Cooper
Mini Me

Makes sense now doesn't it.

Marrissa Miller is all yours Spencer...

And no I don't lay awake at night thinking about her... I married Ashlee remember? Yeaaaaaaah she's the one who when we got engaged and you saw a photo of her you said something to the likes of, "WHAT THE CRAP!? That chick is waaaaaaaay too hot for you Dave".

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Besides, if there ever was an infatuation it wasn't with some dolled-up super model showing herself off in her skivvies. It was Winnie Cooper.

That's right. It was Winnie Cooper who kept me from true happiness all those years I was single and dating girls I really liked but just couldn’t close the deal with. They just didn’t measure up. She was the one woman in my life (or TV anyway) who affected me more profoundly than any other woman and as such kept me from forming any solid relationships. I just couldn't commit to anyone because I knew that someday Kevin would cave into that hot girl, Madeline and end up kissing her which would ruin things for him and Winnie but set things up for me and Winnie. I just had to meet up with her somewhere that was all.

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Yep. There's no doubts about it, Winnie Cooper was my first love. A young (and long haired) Milla Jovovich in Return to The Blue Lagoon held my heart strings for a little while but I realize now that that was just lust.
Winnie Cooper on the other hand was the real deal. Every time she’d come on TV I’d get butterflies in my stomach as if at any moment I’d be forced to talk to her. More than anything I wanted to slow dance with her and hold her tight after her parents broke up. I hate you Kevin Arnold!

Caliburnia

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It's a well known fact that The Big Sur is the only good thing California has ever produced... fine, fine... The Big Sur and Marissa Miller. But now California is destroying The Big Sur and I'm married, which takes care of the whole Marissa deal, so I just don't know if there is any reason to visit California anymore.

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Alas here are some cool photos of the fire and firefighters in CA. And Ashlee, I hope this satiates your firefighter desires and you will stop setting the stove alight. Honestly! I'm tired of rushing into the kitchen in the middle of the night with my shirt off and wearing my plastic firefighter hat to fight oven fires.

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[GREAT PICTURES]

I'm straight with the Roc... Barack that is.

Can't we just get this over with already and vote Obama the coolest President the United States will ever have?

I defer any further explanation to Jay-Z.

Exodus 20:7

So I deleted my post titled, "DMX's guide to November 2nd... you know, politics and voting, yo!". And I deleted it not because it wasn't funny after I censored it but because it was still pretty crass after I censored it. It would have been one of those posts that my mom read and then immediatly afterward called me to say, "Some of your posts I like and some I don't like".

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If anyone's curious to know what kind of post my mum doesn't like you can post a comment and I'll let you know.

AND THE WINNER IS...

After much deliberation, demo-ing and consultation, the results are in... but first the backstory:

I can't have a mountain bike museum in my garage anymore. Shoot, I can't even have 5 mountain bikes in the garage anymore... you know, one for the downs, one for the ups, another for the bumps and another for the sheer beauty of it. Don't forget the hard-tail or the trial rider. Or the tandem. Oh the tandem! And so on and so on. So, I'm down to one mountain bike after selling off the collection (well except for the Cannondale, which is really like family so it will stay hanging in the garage forever I don't care what you say!) so it had to be the perfect mountain bike. And this is it;

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the Specialized Epic Marathon

Am I the only one who hears angels singing every time I look at this bike?

I will now proceed to go out and destroy the weak excuses for hills that you people call "mountains"!

India

You know. The place you call for technical support...

Getting to Know Ashlee

I figure that last post will be deleted whether I like it or not so here goes another crack at Getting to Know Ashlee.
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You can totally tell she loves loves loves me by that look on her face...

And I'm telling you, when a girl looks at you like that you gotta ask.

"umm, I guess I could marry you" she says.

She hails from Big Fork, MONTANA!

and subsequently wants to have a driveway that looks like this;

Oh yeah, and she loves Trappers Loop.

She's so cool, I like hanging out with her wherever.

And I like that she follows me into rainforests and across rivers even in her nice white shoes.

She's totally just like my dad. Seriously. They are like twins. They don't know this but they are. Well, I guess my dad sits with his legs crossed whereas Ashlee sits like a girl - minor difference really. Well, I guess there is ONE other difference... Ashlee is super sexy even with short hair. Now I know I haven't seen you with long hair dad, but I don't think "sexy" would be the word. Okay, TWO differences; I'm pretty sure I would not have been drawn to you in that pink outfit. Not even in the Bahamas. She really likes kayaking and every time we go she sees a sea lion. I don't get it. Flying airplanes makes her giggle to no end... I gotta post the video. She'll never pass up wake-boarding.
And she climbs like Spiderman. In jeans even! WTH!?
I love watching her ride a bike... my two favorite things; bikes and Ashlee.
Between you and me, the only reason I'm writing this email and being all nice is because she is a crack-shot with a 12-gauge.
She's one amazing cook!

chocolate:

salmon:

stuffed bell peppers

(notice the candles... she's totally tried to seduce me that night)

Amond Roasted Chicken, sweetened patotoes and spinach over rice:

Whenever she cooks, she always has her legs crossed or sometimes she bends one knee and rests her foot on the other knee and stands like a bird. She can do this for hours.

She caters weddings:

Even makes the wedding cakes!

And if you've frequented the Great Harvest in Logan, you'd see one of her posters hanging;

I pretty much married the coolest girl in the whole world.

Getting to know Ashlee

As many of you already know, I was able to find someone who liked being around me enough to waste away the rest of her life by actually marrying me. I'm sure you'd all like to know a little bit more about her so I've decided to start a regular feature called, "Getting to know Ashlee".

Dave: Okay, first question. Just fill in the blank. Robert Redford is blank.

Ashlee: That wasn't a very good blank. I don't really know anything about Robert Redford.

Dave: What's the worst thing you've ever done? And this is an interview so you can't lie.

Ashlee: Broke your bike when I drove the Volvo into the parking garage with it on top.

Dave: Really. Breaking my bike was the worst thing you've ever done?

Ashlee: I used to use the forks in the breakroom at work all the time even though I didn't sign up for the 'employe club'. But I stopped doing that.

Dave: Wow. You are like a disciple or something but without a beard. Next question: Kermit or Earnie?

Ashlee: Kermit. Earnie looks too much like a person.

Dave: You don't want to date someone who looks like a person? You'd rather date a frog?

Ashlee: I didn't know the question referred to who I'd rather date. I just figured you meant which do I like better. Like Coke or Pepsi or sunsets or sunrises, etc.

Dave: Okay, would you rather date Coke or Pepsi?

Ashlee:

Dave: You haven't answered my question.

Ashlee: What question? The Coke question? Really? I wouldn't date Coke or Pepsi.

Dave: What if it was a giant Coke that made you feel like you could be yourself around it and it really liked watching "The Bachelor"?

Ashlee: This interview is lame.

Dave: Fresca?

Ashlee: I would only date a person.

Dave: Howabout Kermit or Earnie?

Ashlee: Kermit.

Dave: But he's a frog. You know that right?

Ashlee: Green is my favorite color and Kermit is more loved by his fans than Earnie. Nobody loves Earnie.

Dave: Bert does. And so could you.

Ashlee: I can hardly remember what Earnie looks like.

Dave: That's really vain. Besides, Kermit is gay.

Ashlee: Kermit is not gay.

Dave: He sings about rainbows.

Ashlee: Whatever. He's just sensitive and he loves Miss Piggy so he's cool with a girl with an apetite.

Dave: So you'd rather date a mopey frog who likes fat chicks instead of a young urban guy who looks like a person.

Ashlee: Their both muppets so I don't think it matters if Kermit is a frog.

Dave: Moving on. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot is your husband?

Ashlee: about a 5 - pretty average.

Dave: Nice...

Ashlee: Is that the interview?

You gotta love the government!

This is an actual letter sent to a man regarding the pictured pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the sweet response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr.Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work et hic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Physics Schmysics. That's what I say.

So hd hubrich is pretty much the coolest guy I know. And not just because of his superior intellect, which I happen to have an example of;

When I explained that I wanted to be him when I grow up he recognized that there would be a problem because he wants to be me when he grows up and you can't just have two different people turning into each other. It would create, he explained, "a tear in the time space continuum or something". Good point Hans. ...and for the rest of you, I told you he had superior intellect.

See it's conversations like this that to my delight (but my wife's chagrin) launch me into a geeking delirium about space its possibilities. Much like the time when this really smart guy who knows a lot of stuff about space and time and Star Trek and has a degree in smartology said that time travel is impossible. Oh yeah?... If time travel is so impossible then why would I be wearing this outfit? Think about it geniuses! There is no other reason why I would be wearing that hat, jacket, and those awesome time traveling goggles unless I was getting ready to travel to the future.

Lee Iacocca for President!

Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from its death throes? He has a new book, Where Have All the Leaders Gone? And here are some excerpts;
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"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course". Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!" You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore. The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the "America" my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you?

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I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest "C" is Crisis! Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down. On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess.

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So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership. But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders gone?"

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Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point. Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo?

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We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened. Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm. Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time.

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Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?

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Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.

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I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change? Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America. In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the"Korean War", the "Kennedy Assassination", the"Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.

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If I've learned one thing, it's this: "You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America. It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had "enough."

Masai Warriors and their delcaration that marathons are easy because there are no lions: AWESOME!

Have you ever thought, "Man I am lame." Oh, you haven't? Well how about you read "The Journal of A Masai Warrior Running The London Marathon." LINK TO ARTICLE SO AWESOME I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE. There. Now do you feel like a chubby fruitcake?

Apparently a group of Masai warriors ran the marathon to raise money for a clean water program, well that and to make you feel like the roley poley, worthless, non-lion killing fairy that you are.

"I miss meat and blood very much. Not vegetables because they are food for a woman. There is milk here but blood is better because it gives energy. English tea with sugar is good and we tried Coco Pops, but the nicest food is croissants." - Isaya

Alright so it's not the most manly thing to eat croissants but my argument stands; this dude is tougher than you. He kills lions!

Juxtapositions: business-like representations of gangsta rap

For those of you who went through high-school like I did; bumping the base and pimpin' your ride (which happened to be a 1984 2-wheel drive Toyota pick-up truck that I hit a tree with dead on and my dad taught me a lesson by making me drive that thing even if I had to keep my foot on the gas ALL THE TIME. Yep, foot on the gas ALL THE TIME to keep it running. Even while slowing for a stop sign. I had to riverdance back and forth from the brake to the gas, brake to the gas and keep the carborator wide open as I prayed the engine wouldn't just stop or explode. Of course, even if it did stop I could just throw it in gear as I silently rolled down the highway and pop the clutch to start it back up again with a firey pop. And lest I forget the radio-antenna; fashioned from a wire coat-hanger... or the wheel that rubbed up something aweful against the bumper every time I turned left... squealing and squeeking as I pimped along... those were the days. Bumping the base and pimping my ride).

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Without "capital s-n-double-o-p d-o-double-g-y d-o-g ya see" and my main man Doctor D are E, bumping and pimpin' wouldn't have been anything more than hoping that truck would get me home from school every day. So here's to my boys and the raps they rapped. They made me feel like a gangsta, yo!